Digital Parenting

"[under construction]"

Parenting and teaching in the technological society

This is a short guide to "toxic tech" and what we can do about it by talking to our children.

In our work with schools, kids groups, mums and dads, we hear the same questions repeatedly. At root, it's always about one fundamental tension; between the supposed benefits and harms of technology.

"Should I give my kid this?" "How do I protect them from that?"

The one sentiment we identify in every situation is this;

Parents and teachers feel they are unable to make genuine, informed choices.

On one side, digital tech seems desirable, even a necessary part of modern life. Parents think they are doing the right thing by giving their children the earliest possible access to digital devices and online spaces. On the other hand all technologies come with some unavoidable harms and significant risks.

We would all like to help our children make good choices. We aspire to prepare our children for the challenges of life; the economy, changing climate, and political upheavals. They ask; Should I marry? What kind of job is good? Can I trust the government? Is college a good idea? Will I ever own my own home? But unlike these wider themes of life, about which the wise parent will say ["Que Sera, Sera"] and hope their children are blessed with good fortune and peace, there's something very rotten about tech.

Why tech is unreasonable

The challenges lie not in technical matters. Emotional intelligence is needed to understand the problems.

From Silicon Valley (Claifornia) in the United States, much of our digital technology has inherited very negative emotional qualities. It is;

Impatient
Anxious
Arrogant
Rigid
Neurotic
Paranoid
Dissatisfied

Digital technology is restless. It is not simply fast-moving becuase of rapid advances like Moore's Law, it is always actively trying to reconfigure itself, to move-on and discard the past. By the time any experts and governments can research and formulate advice, it's all changed.

It is intrinically dismissive or tradition and hard won wisdom. It always "knows better" and so is reckless.

No reasonable person would be so arrogant to claim they know the future, the totally right way to do things, or how you must think about everything. But when it comes to tech there's no such humility or thoughtfulness. We've regressed to a way of thinking we abandoned in the 17th century, before [The Enlightenment].

Once upon a time, people rejected religious dogma and superstition. We stopped punishing others for their different ideas. We called that "progress". But just as terorists and freedom fighters become the new chancellors, the "progressives" became the entrenched, dogmatic ruling class. The circle has completed.

In the 21st Century, our technology has returned a rigid and superstitious kind of thinking. The choices we make around technology are governed by fear, not joy.

We are bombarded with breathless, oh-so-certain ideas on how you should think about technology - what you must "embrace" or be "left behind". Our ideas about tech have become unreflective and stuck.

Tech became toxic because we're not properly critical of it. It became something of a new religious cult led by quite bizarre and scary people. A berzerk charge is led not by careful scientists, but by charismatic demagogues, ranting fundamentalists and intransigent government acolytes. Reason has left the building.

Retake your choice

There are many diverse ways to understand and use digital technology. If we are to improve our mental, physical and social health we must offer our children alternatives.

Unfortunately industrial cuvilisation tries to offer us only one impoverished vision of technological life. TikTok, Instagram, Microsoft Office, Google Maps, Amazon Prime, Apple Pay… these monopoly brands have become synonymous with our ordinary, everyday activities.

That is extremely unhealthy.

Under these conditions, instead of technology being a neutral utility it has become political battle-ground and socially toxic.

How we each use tech is a choice, It is a basic right and a social, political, moral and spiritual act of being. Without the right not to drive a car our environment is doomed. Likewise, unless we defend our right not to use toxic technologies we are all on a road to ruin. Good technological health and security has become an act of resistance.

We should not mistake that for a rejection of technology. It is simply the demand that we remain in control of it. What has changed since the Cold War is our scientific understanding of climate, population and resources. Uniform industrial communism will quite simply end all life on this planet. We have no choice but to choose. We must be forced to be free or perish.

There are four broad areas in which tech affects our immediate interpersonal life;

the parental bond
social environment
education and information
entertainment

Let's look at some of the harms and how we can do better for young people.

"[ image here ]"

Understanding harms <2026-01-23 Fri>

Invisibility of digital harms

Parents don't see much when kids are harmed by technology. No bruises or cuts. So we think they are okay. But like bad diet, smoking, and exposure to pesticides or asbestos, harms are invisible until deadly symptoms appear.

That means we must prevent exposure to harmful technology before it does damage or gets out of control.

Harms to the person

Some things harm our kids directly, making them weak, less focused and less intelligent. Other effects aren't direct, but they hurt our kids relationships, education, social values and opportunties.

Harms to the body

Fortunately young bodies bounce back to health if damaging behaviour stops, so it's worth intervening early.

There are some physical symptoms to watch for.

Tired and red eyes from staying up late using devices.
Sore necks, dropped posture
Circulatory, stomach and nervous problems

Over-use of small hand-held devices eventually leads to vision problems and damage to the muscles, joints and skeleton in the worst cases.

Damage to [eyes] happens because phones get held very close to our faces. Prolonged exposure to high-energy blue photons leads to retinal damage. Eye strain of the muscles causes fatigue, dryness, blurred vision. Sleep disruption happens if devices are used too close to bedtime because phones mess with melatonin production.

Holding the same posture for hours on end is not good for you. In fact it's a torture technique! So called [Smartphone Syndrome] also applies to tablets, and even seated desktop use. Adults in the workplace are subject to health and safety regulations for computer use. Shouldn't your children enjoy similar protections?

Regular physical breaks - at least a half hourly stretch - are needed to stop blood stagnating in the legs and lower body. In the worst cases, some young gamers have died from thrombosis (clots caused by immobility).

Erratic eating is common with addictive, absorbing activities. With continued use this can lead to eating disorders, a loss of interest in food and exercise.

Harms to the mind

Most worrying is what smartphones and addictive online activities do to children's mental well-being. This includes;

Harms to attention
Harms to attachment
Harms to sociability
Harms to inner life
- reflection
- executive function
- self care
- care for others
- loss of ambition
- loss of direction

attention

attachment

sociability

inner life

reflection executive function elf care care for others loss of ambition loss of direction

Unintended consequences

Perhaps a most pernicious problem comes from things that claim to do good but actually do harm.

social media made people less sociable
educational technology made people learn less
smartphones made people dumb
"AI" is making us all [less intelligent]

There are many explanations why this sort of thing happens and plenty wisdom about perverse incentives, side effects and errors in how we measure outcomes. We even have a word for this in medicine. Iatrogenic means things that kind of ironically do the opposite of what we intend.

A key word is "atrophy". If someone breaks a leg we might give them crutches. Initially that helps healing. Some mobility improves circulation and some pressure knits the bone. But if a patient stays on crutches too long their muscles grow weak. It is time for them to literally "stand on their own two feet".

Likewise we've discovered that using GPS destroys our ability to navigate spaces. Using search erodes our internal map of meaning. "AI" it seems, stops us from thinking at all. This is not "evolution" or "progress". Its a disaster. Tech is supposed to be an intelligence amplifier ("IA"), which is kind of the opposite of "AI". We're doing tech wrong!

Privacy, young people and trust

We interviewed about twenty children aged between 13 and 17 at a local shopping centre and skate-park. We asked the questions:

"Is it okay for the government to spy on people's phones?"

Answer: universally No

"What about children, for their own protection?"

Unanimous Answer: *That's even worse! Absolutely, no!!"

Not only do children deserve privacy, they have a greater right and claim to it. They are more vulnerable and more sensitive to intrusion. They have less motives to act criminally. This leads to a tension. Adults should rightly want to know what children are doing to keep them safe. However young people need a private space to play games, explore relationships, explore knowledge, have fantasies, discover their own bodies, desires and interests.

Teenagers go through a process of individuation and separation. Helicopter parenting, non-consensual tracking and intrusion are very damaging and destroy trust. On the other hand, an overly permissive approach invites trouble. You must find the balance.

So Digital Parenting is about building trust and cooperation.

Regular check-ins to talk about "Online"
A shared interest in digital self-defence
Respecting each other's cares
Keeping promises and boundaries, on both sides

Understanding behaviours

class and peer groups

It's up to you

Negotiating

[ helen list of practical approaches for teen and pre-teen ]

[ kate trust and boundaries psych ]

range association time

Activities

fortnightly reviews [helens check list]

phone numbers
sites

General good practice

gradual introduction
good parental support

Blocks to changing

Changing behaviour whether for yourself or other family members is really difficult. Starting a new diet. Quitting a bad habit. Learning a new skill. It all takes effort. It can cause friction and strife. But it's worth it. Life need not stand still.

Technology is a living, changing thing. It has no fixed goals even if governments make policy mistakes or misjudge the lay of history.

Here's some positive benefits to consider;

Gratitude

Your kids will really thank you one day. Maybe not next year. Maybe not for 10 or 20 years. But one day you'll hear something like;

"Mom and Dad, I know you were strict and I called you an asshole, but thanks for not letting me…. thanks for telling me…. I'm glad I didn't turn out like Billy Spanner… "

Less pain down the line

If you can't feel unselfish love then at least look at it from a selfish point of view; Less time dealing with police, social workers and hospital ED doctors. Less money spent on rehab, therapy, extra lessons to get into college.

For your country

Many digital harms are invasive species from overseas. Facebook, TikTok, Insta, and the companies making chatbots and digital heroin are not exactly friendly toward Britain now, even if we once thought they were. They know it harms our youth and it's part of their plan. Some of them even gloat over it.

However, we often fall back on excuses to avoid the inconvenience of action or difficult thoughts;

Non interference

"They're grown up now. It's not my place to interfere."

Fear of missing out (FOMO)

"I don't want my kid to be 'left out' "

Convincing you that you'll be "left behind" is the slickest and most devious trick the advertising industry came up with.

You will not be disadvantaged. If anything, moderating technology and making positive choices about it will hugely advantage you and your kids. They will learn;

self discipline, focus
how to cope with boredom, time management
how to talk to other people, eye contact, conversation skills
become better at mental arithmetic and reading

Ask this question; "Left behind from where?"

Where do you actually suppose a species that's totally immersed in and totally dependent on technology is going? Nowhere good!

Appeal to authority

"If it was that harmful the government would do something about it!"

We are doing something about it. Toxic tech is now recognised as a very serious problem. It takes time. Children were allowed to smoke for decades in the post-war period (1950-1970). Governments are reluctant to be reactionary or risk damaging trade and economies until things are very clear. Make no mistake - they are very clear now and the scientific evidence is in. It's damning, and action is finally afoot.

Britain is a liberal democracy and we don't like to interfere in family life. That means we each have some responsibility to contribute to good parenting;

Talk to other mums and dads.
if still alive ask your own parents. Generational wisdom should be valued.
Get support of teachers and community leaders.

Parenting is always contentious. You may want to be more or less permissive and no government really wants to be a 'nanny state' - for one thing it's just too expensive and divisive.

It is no good hoping someone else will just "sort things out".

Suspicion of authority

"The government don't know what they're doing!"

This is true sometimes. There is no single truth and way. Many parts of government disagree with each other. Authoritarians in police and intelligence want to increase surveillance even when we know spying is a harm that damages trust and hurts democracy. Government's aren't great at IT and technical things. Public positions don't pay as well as working for Google or Amazon, so we lack the best people.

Lack of confidence

"I'm not an expert"

You might not be an expert about computers and communications technology, but you are an expert on your own children. You can see what toxic technology is doing to them. Trust those instincts.

Naturally there's lots of lies and disinformation from tech companies themselves. They control the channels where you get your news and opinion. They try to paint cautious social progressives, conservatives, and just people who "think about stuff too much" as crazy wacko's and "conspiracy theorists". They have "alternative science".

Look at the world around you. What do you think?.

Helplessness against the tide

"It's pointless, kids these days just do what they want"

That's right, you're a stupid "old person" who will be left behind and die because you don't have the right app. Kids today are all whizzes. They know what they're doing. They're the future. Get out of the road grandma!

Or maybe, the truth is more like this;

kids today are more frightened and confused about technology than at any time in history.
they look to grown-ups for guidance but get none
telling kids they are "whizzes" and "digital natives" is actually avoidant, negligent and setting them up for failure. Youth worship is historically a very dangerous sign.

When parents no longer feel they have anything to tell their kids about the world it doesn't look good for civilisation.

Double standards?

"I overuse technology myself, doesn't it make me a hypocrite?"

Conclusion

Where to get help

links to accessible science

links to books is author/publisher has website [no amazon links]